You Don't Have to Carry Everything Alone

Last Tuesday, I sat in my car in the grocery store parking lot for fifteen minutes. Not because I was on an important call. Not because I was finishing a podcast. I just... needed a minute before going home to make dinner, help with homework, and pretend I had energy left for the evening routine. And in that moment, staring at my phone but not really seeing it, I realized something: I hadn't talked to anyone—really talked—in weeks.

Sound familiar? Somewhere between building careers, raising kids, managing households, and trying to stay healthy, we forgot how to lean on people. Or maybe we never learned. We've become experts at handling everything ourselves, at saying “I'm fine” when we're barely hanging on.

But here's what nobody tells you in your thirties and forties: The strongest thing you can do isn't carry everything alone. It's building a support system that actually holds you up when you need it.

When “I've Got This” Stops Working

My friend Sarah—successful project manager, devoted mom, the person everyone else calls when they need help—hit a wall last spring. Her father was diagnosed with early-stage dementia. Her teenage daughter was struggling with anxiety. Work was demanding more hours. And when someone asked how she was doing, she smiled and said what she always said: “Busy, but good.”

Then one Saturday morning, she couldn't get out of bed. Not because she was sick. Because the weight of pretending everything was manageable had finally crushed her. She texted me: “I don't know who to call. I don't even know what to ask for.”

That's the thing about not having a support system—it's not just lonely. It leaves you stranded when you finally need help, unsure of how to even begin asking for it.

Why Connection Gets Harder After 30

When you're younger, support systems happen organically. You're surrounded by roommates, classmates, and coworkers at happy hour. But somewhere in your thirties, life scatters everyone. People move for jobs. They get married, have kids, build separate lives. The friends you used to text daily become people you see once a year and promise to “catch up soon.”

And it's not just distance. It's exhaustion. After a full day, the last thing you want to do is make plans, coordinate schedules, or reach out. So you don't. Weeks turn into months. Months turn into that moment when you realize you're going through hard things without anyone to share them with.

Here's what I've learned: Connection doesn't just happen anymore. You have to build it intentionally. And that feels uncomfortable because we're supposed to have it all figured out by now, right? We're supposed to be independent, capable adults who don't need anyone.

Except that's not how we're wired. We're not meant to do life alone. We never were.

“Asking for help isn't a sign you're failing.

It's proof you're still trying.”

Building Support Without the Pressure

You don't need a huge circle. You just need a few people who get it. Here's how to start, without the overwhelming “you must do all these things” advice:

Start with one person. Not five. Not a whole new friend group. One. That friend you keep meaning to text? Text them. Say something real. Not “We should get together sometime.” Try: “I've been thinking about you. Can we grab coffee this weekend?” Be specific. Make it happen.

Stop performing. When someone asks how you are, resist the reflex to say “fine.” You don't have to unload everything, but try honesty: “Honestly? This week has been rough.” You'll be surprised how often people respond with relief—because they're struggling too and were afraid to say it.

Be specific about what you need. People want to help but don't know how. Instead of “I'm overwhelmed,” try: “Could you pick up my kid from soccer on Thursday?” or “Can I vent for ten minutes?” Give them something concrete. It's easier for both of you.

Let people show up imperfectly. Your support system doesn't have to be perfect. Maybe your sister gives terrible advice, but always answers the phone. Maybe your neighbor can't relate to your work stress, but brings you soup when you're sick. Accept people for what they can offer, not what you wish they could give.

This Week: One Small Step

Pick one person. Send them a message. Not someday. Today. It doesn't have to be deep. It can be: “Hey, I saw this and thought of you.” Or: “It's been too long. Want to catch up this weekend?”

That's it. One message. One person. One step toward not carrying everything alone.

Building a support system isn't about having all the answers or surrounding yourself with perfect people. It's about letting yourself be human with other humans. It's about admitting that you can't do everything alone—and you were never supposed to.

Sarah eventually reached out to three people: me, her sister, and a friend from her book club. None of us could fix everything. But we could show up. We could listen. We could help with the small things that made the hard days manageable. She told me later that asking for help felt like giving herself permission to be tired—and that permission saved her.

You're carrying enough. You don't have to carry it alone.